Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.