@TarekJan: Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn't mean only zeros.
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@catmarstru: "shaved carrots instead of cheese" lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
@thelaurenobrien: How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?
@OfficialMizGin: Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it’s for me. Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.