If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Mountain Goat : )
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter