I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
HELP 😭
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird