“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!