Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Lmbo
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this