1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired