If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
This has made my week.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.