Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.