@MoistPork: Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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@jctwritesstuff: *gets in huge line at the donut shop* *taps foot* *sweats* *shakes* *causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
@zachreinert03: Hey people who say 'I want my funeral to be like this': what are you going to do about it if they don't do it like that?
@RalstonReports: Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.