Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
🚲+physics = winner
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
You learn something every day