Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.