Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Rooting for the overdog
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.