@DBMaxP: Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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@edgarrants: My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.
@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
@Dan_Haak: [Dog Court] Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy. *dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
@abbycohenwl: I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn't figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed