Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
And now we wait
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit