Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Dance like you’re not the father
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
i will not be silenced
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert