me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Trying
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.