Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol