Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I…do not understand how electricity works.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom