@MenHumor: Dear McDonald's, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
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@samthe8th: When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I'm a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
@Shock_Monster: If life had a 'CTRL + ALT + DEL' option, you bet your ass I'd be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
@huntigula: Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
@djdarrellripley: Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic! Me: You should post something on FaceBook. Him: My dog isn't on FaceBook. Me: