A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.