cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]