@Cpin42: I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

@EJGomez: when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say"thank god"

@ConanOBrien: I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

@Baxterbix: Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.

@designersays: I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven't responded. They must be really busy.