Dear media: There's nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.

@iwearaonesie: *makes sandwich* *sits down to eat it* *sees dog staring at me* *rips off small piece* *gives her the rest*

192

@kikdbakbitch: 7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon. Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.

55

@loudmouth_usa: Mom: When I was your age I never had sex Me: Mom, I'm 32 Mom: Exactly

31

@WilliamAder: My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

1

@tsm560: Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.

17

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