*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
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WTF IS THAT!
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.