*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
You Might Also Like
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.