Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.