Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.