*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’m already scared
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence