Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.