Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Interior design 👌
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.