Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.