Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.