Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
You Might Also Like
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”