@happily_dad: Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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@iwearaonesie: *gets out of bed* *steps on something* me: Ugh *turns light on* wife: What is it? me: The cat caught another smart car
@novicefather: A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy. But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it's a time to grieve.
@envydatropic: Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created
@sad_tree: "Dad what IS the moon?" It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.