@happily_dad: Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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@juliecursively: HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?
@sixfootcandy: Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door? Me: Maybe for free HBO. Cable Guy: Me: I'm kidding...sort of...not really. Cable Guy: