@happily_dad: Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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@Thee1_4U: Well well well, if it isn't the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone... Brb.
@omgthatspunny: The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
@danabrit: I'm writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
@Dr_Teflon: *Ex wife yelling at me from driveway* I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH! Me- no babe I'm not moving back in Ex-.....