Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
wish me luck lads
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.