Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I hate my earbuds.