@Chyld: Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you'll have more available women in your family to date!
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@KeetPotato: [valentine's day] gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight" her friend: "oh wow" [later watching shrek 2] me: "you look disappointed"
@SCbchbum: Don't bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they're speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
@Brianhopecomedy: Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
@gerryhallcomedy: Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.