Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.