*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic