Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Why font matters.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it