@JennyJohnsonHi5: Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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@pleatedjeans: [school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don't know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
@Robert_Beau: My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn't my finger.
@mrjohndarby: [looking at our kids baby photos] me: ugh, this one came out real bad wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS