Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
🤔😂😂
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume