@JennyJohnsonHi5: Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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@jonnysun: "it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?" yes i am. … "but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"
@WilliamAder: Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Dadd-" "No." "You don't even know what I was going to say!" "You're wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No."