Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
You Might Also Like
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees