Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.