@cdncyn: Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
@TheWadest: FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called "Turn Brown For What."
@notthat_1: Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
@KalvinMacleod: [new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You've been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
@Laser_Cat: Look, I'm not saying he's a bad dentist. I'm just saying maybe you should check his references.
@SoldHerSoul: Are your clothes meant to scream out "help" when you squeeze yourself into them?