If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.