@cdncyn: Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
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@batkaren: JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs? MARY: Just stuff 'em in the Lazy Susan. SUSAN: Hey, I'm right here! (*remains seated*)
@bea_ker: *amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over* Cat in audience: Oh, this guy's good
@stacywawa1: I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore. I kinda want to date him now.