dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.