dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means