Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?