Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”