Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
fired
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.