@lemonmartinis: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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@TheTimmyToes: [on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
@leechee420: Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
@Papa_Mex: I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone