Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”