Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
#ProTip
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.