Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
o shit
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha