Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
they split up moments later
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…