Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.