My purse is deeper than some people.
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I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.