@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
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@2tickytacky: Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.
@MsCassieDaniels: A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.