@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach] [find bottle with message in it] Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING? [another bottle with message washes against my feet]
@ShanaRose21: After reading some marriage tweets I'm beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
@AntiJokeTyrone: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby