If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*