I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Tier 3 meme
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Gods work.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.